tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post2926892072347678369..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #22Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-59962080929830895142016-09-19T12:49:55.462-06:002016-09-19T12:49:55.462-06:00Thanks so much for your entry, R.C.! I appreciated...Thanks so much for your entry, R.C.! I appreciated your personalized opening, as well as your straightforward explanation of your experiences with self publishing. I think you have some good info in your query, but I would rework it to bring the primary storyline into focus. Hailey's sister's disappearance is the main event; the romance element is happening around it. Queries usually don't need to be chronological; zero in on what's most important. And this is such a common error that I almost hate to point it out, but since it might be beneficial for others reading in--the agency is Liza Dawson Associates, not Liz. I would never reject for something like that, but it does pull my focus the tiniest bit, and if you can avoid that, all the better! Best of luck to you.Jennifer Johnson-Blalockhttp://www.jjohnsonblalock.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-6669582288326870842016-09-16T09:18:27.151-06:002016-09-16T09:18:27.151-06:00Hi R.C. You have some great lines in your query th...Hi R.C. You have some great lines in your query that really pulled me in: "more horses than people" and "have psycho written all over them," especially. That said, I did wonder about having so much information about Josh's ex, if the story really revolves around finding her sister. I understand that it sets up why it's hard for her to trust Josh, but I wonder if that information could be condensed a bit so you would have more room to expand on the paragraph about the search for her sister. I'd like to know a little more about why Hailey is so quick to believe her sister's claims about the phantom. Also, I didn't quite understand how Hailey and Josh ended up in the snowstorm and what exactly the threat is--the elements, the phantom, both?<br /><br />The voice in your first page really stood out to me--loved your first line and its contrast with her about to cry. It also gives some great hints at the backstory without getting bogged down in it. The one thing that tripped me up is that she gives her mom's name--usually we just think of our mom as "mom," so giving her name seems like an authorial intrusion to give the reader information that we can learn more naturally later. And the line "it was because of her strength that Hailey..." read a little awkward/tell-y to me. I think you might be able to show Hailey calming the gush of bitterness--and we'll see that it's because of what she sees in her mom.<br /><br />I would definitely keep reading! Nice work!Valerie Boddenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15310410146562745858noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12903706406109358622016-09-15T19:09:32.901-06:002016-09-15T19:09:32.901-06:00I found your writing (both query and 250) very str...I found your writing (both query and 250) very strong. This is something I'd like to read! It reminds me of Kim Harrington's REMEMBER ME, which I just read and really enjoyed.<br />However, I think you may want to reconsider the title. While your writing drew me in, I typically wouldn't be tempted by a YA book of that title. It just doesn't ring YA to me.<br />The other issue is that your first scene is set during a car trip, which is often considered an overdone way to start a book. You've written it well, but I wonder if there might be a better place to start. Without reading more, I'm not sure where that might be, but it's food for thought.<br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06319561838973256037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-68955145801550271332016-09-15T11:09:57.544-06:002016-09-15T11:09:57.544-06:00Love the concept! Your 250 are also really great. ...<br />Love the concept! Your 250 are also really great. I just have a few suggestions:<br /><br />When personalizing your query letter, I suggest mentioning an interview that features the agent or comping a book you read that the agent reps that's similar to yours. Not only does this give you great insight into the agent's tastes, it also shows the agent you did your research (since everyone is bound to read her page on the agency website). <br />In your query, I think you can delete "one stormy winter night." It's a detail I'd rather read in the manuscript, but it seems unimportant in the query.<br /><br />Good luck!Starfish Aquariumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02575411889842916284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-91106574724737142022016-09-15T06:41:20.344-06:002016-09-15T06:41:20.344-06:00Hello, R.C.! Congratulations for making it into th...Hello, R.C.! Congratulations for making it into the contest! First off, I really like the opening. It tells the agent that you've done your research while also telling your word count right off the bat. You also have a clear and concise voice throughout the query letter. However, at the end I become a bit confused. Is it the snowstorm that took her sister, or is it the ghost of Old Man Boone? Or both? "The snowstorm that spirited away her sister", although a beautiful sentence, makes me think the snowstorm took her, even though you were hinting at Old Man Boon earlier. You may want to make this more clear. Either way, your story seems like a great read. Best of luck!J.L.Rnoreply@blogger.com