tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post2724061670938824209..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #20Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-67070283366489598352011-11-20T12:27:53.178-07:002011-11-20T12:27:53.178-07:00The first paragraph of this pitch is very strong a...The first paragraph of this pitch is very strong and really had me interested in the concept and what promises to be a unique take on this fairy tale. The second paragraph raised a few questions for me, though. Is Cinderella being tortured in the Tower of Torture? When she goes on the journey, is she looking for the Prince, or something else? It sounds like you have some really nice writing credits, and the premise is promising. Unfortunately, I wasn’t swept away by the first page. The first sentence raised some world-building confusion for me, as I didn’t know if we were in a fairy world or a modern world with Pilates and workout routines, etc. I also felt that there was too much summary and I wasn’t getting any voice from Cinderella. With these concerns in mind, I would keep reading a few pages to see if the voice got back to the same charm of the query opening. <br />Thank you for participating in this Agent’s Inbox!<br />Taylor Martindale<br />Full Circle LiteraryTaylor Martindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17927088375331596378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-8486112196866236832011-11-19T21:53:33.302-07:002011-11-19T21:53:33.302-07:00Very funny concept. I'm often searching for a ...Very funny concept. I'm often searching for a comic YA read and have a hard time finding one. <br /><br />I agree about breaking up the query paragraphs but I really liked the 250. <br /><br />I would like to know what happens and isn't that what it's all about?Jodynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-67905052647459719992011-11-19T08:35:08.838-07:002011-11-19T08:35:08.838-07:00I totally get the mish mash of current references ...I totally get the mish mash of current references and fairy tale setting. For me it's original and funny. Might make this a cross genre into adult.<br />I wish I could read more. The run down of her adventures include "coming out" and I'm interested in that in a fairy tale setting.Wonder who and how it will be handled.<br /><br />Anyway, I'd love to read it. Seems like it's kind of a new take on something like The Princess Bride.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-5975660397513028192011-11-17T19:35:54.725-07:002011-11-17T19:35:54.725-07:00This is so fun!! I know I am nowhere near thinkin...This is so fun!! I know I am nowhere near thinking like an agent but as a consumer I would buy it :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17089263022220773503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9907578380194902512011-11-16T21:57:40.233-07:002011-11-16T21:57:40.233-07:00Hey CW, I love your concept, and the idea of a fai...Hey CW, I love your concept, and the idea of a fairy godmother retiring made me laugh. I wish I could read the rest of the novel. Just an idea, but I would make your second paragraph less complicated -- a lot happens in it, and it felt confusing to me. But I'd join in with others who said your last sentence about becoming your own fairy godmother is a great hook. Good luck getting it published!Sigal Tzoorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07038919297046400912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-27338613451728340082011-11-16T18:55:37.835-07:002011-11-16T18:55:37.835-07:00Sounds like fun, but for me, I would have liked a ...Sounds like fun, but for me, I would have liked a bit more voice in the beginning paragraphs.<br />I don't know. I liked it but it didn't pull me along the way I wished it would. <br />I'll think about it and pop back!Write Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11243460609179141414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-36952377004862215412011-11-16T18:53:59.117-07:002011-11-16T18:53:59.117-07:00The others have mentioned most of the questions/co...The others have mentioned most of the questions/concerns I had, but overall this sounds like a cute story and I want to read on.<br /><br />One other thing, you say in the query that 'the fairy godmother seems to have retired' and imply that Cindy is trying to contact her. But since she receives the letter at the beginning, she wouldn't be questioning if she's retired.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-10719430458289368312011-11-16T13:09:36.637-07:002011-11-16T13:09:36.637-07:00I don't have anything original to say, I agree...I don't have anything original to say, I agree with most of what the others posted so I won't reiterate.<br /><br />But I really like your story idea--it sounds interesting and fun.Suzi Rhttp://literaryengineer.areavoices.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-47348756877294331882011-11-16T12:58:39.605-07:002011-11-16T12:58:39.605-07:00I like the concept a lot, and the query is strong-...I like the concept a lot, and the query is strong--I am another one intimidated by your bio!<br /><br />Like another commenter, I found the juxtaposition of the modern (Pilates, zip codes) on the fairy tale to be somewhat jarring, although I know what you were going for, and it definitely adds a humorous ring to it. So that may just be my own personal taste.Kathleen Basihttp://www.kathleenbasi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-48930183878363323472011-11-16T11:23:56.403-07:002011-11-16T11:23:56.403-07:00I love your concept- my blog post today is about f...I love your concept- my blog post today is about favorite fairy tales, and this is definitely something I'd read.<br /><br />I think your query could be more concise, the sentences a little snappier.<br /><br />Also, I could be wrong, but isn't 49,000 words a bit short for a novel?<br /><br />Great job- best of luck!Gina Cioccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18024256412233972412noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-61529478686102601612011-11-16T10:26:53.891-07:002011-11-16T10:26:53.891-07:00Cute premise! I'm with Robin and Theresa, I wo...Cute premise! I'm with Robin and Theresa, I would definitely condense your query, cut out whatever you can so that you can get the main point across. It does sound fun. Also, I know the cut off for something to be considered a novel is 50,000 words, so I'm not sure, but that might be something you need to look at.<br /><br />As for your opening lines, my interest wavered a teeny bit. (Sorry!). I was like, read the letter already, we get it, you've never gotten one before. I think the problem is that it all sounded a little "tell" to me. Maybe you could describe the sun shining and the smell of the flowers around her, or if she's sweaty from just doing pilates, or has a hard time lifting her hand because she's so nervous about who the letter is from.<br />I also want to know what time period this is in and how the world you've created works. If it's modern enough for Cindy to be doing pilates, then why would she need a fairy godmother? If it's Fairytale Land, why does she reference the zipcode, isn't that more of a contemporary reference, would she even know what one was? Just something that I would look for to be answered as I read on. :) Cute premise, I would pick it up and read it!Cortney Pearsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00774060537148628453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-53348147817041906712011-11-16T10:20:48.261-07:002011-11-16T10:20:48.261-07:00I love the premise! After all, the idea that marry...I love the premise! After all, the idea that marrying a prince=happily ever after always made me sort of want to gag! I was hooked with the query right away as well as your first 250 words. The only worry I have is that you're considering this a YA. If the MC isn't a teen, it might be more in the adult genre.The Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07773479939559180654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-80648791053075194602011-11-16T09:53:35.909-07:002011-11-16T09:53:35.909-07:00I'm completely intimidated by your bio paragra...I'm completely intimidated by your bio paragraph. :) Way to go!<br /><br />I was a little nervous during the first paragraph that your story would include affairs and looking outside marriage for happiness. I was comforted by the reference to "deciding if you can love a husband you've never really known."<br /><br />I think you can shorten and condense your query blurb to make it even more effective, but it works well enough as is. I do wonder how this fits into YA, since it's about married people, but the fairy tale setting does make it younger. I am also a bit confused by the reference to Pilates in the sample--what time period is she in?<br /><br />Overall, very interesting, and I love the end of your query blurb about being your own fairy godmother. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-46104277361723925912011-11-16T09:32:44.051-07:002011-11-16T09:32:44.051-07:00I love retellings and this one sounds like so much...I love retellings and this one sounds like so much fun. I like the query I would just suggest not having two large paragraphs. I would break it up a little. For example in the first paragraph I would make, "Cindy and Eric have discovered...." a separate paragraph. Too much writing blocked together, to me at least, can seem overwhelming. <br /><br />As far as your first 250 words, I would keep reading. That last line was great.Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10957479478228268972noreply@blogger.com