tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post27160798662001840..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: Team Krista #8: DRIVERSKrista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-69043605658685353852012-05-22T07:59:24.251-06:002012-05-22T07:59:24.251-06:00#8 DRIVERS
Query:
Great first line, though I’m n...#8 DRIVERS<br /><br />Query:<br /><br />Great first line, though I’m not sure why you’re spelling out “dollars” rather than just using the $. I really like the first two paragraphs, which suck me into the plot of your story and make me curious about your MC.<br /><br />I think that you need more names in the third paragraph, because I thought that the “He” in the 2nd sentence was Ash (but it’s the employer—give us his name?) and didn’t know who the “them” was (change to “Ash and Zephyr”).<br /><br />Strong query overall!<br /><br />First page:<br /><br />Wow, voice voice voice. I don’t think I can find anything to pick on here. You’ve dropped us into the middle of a fascinating situation, you’re describing the surroundings so I can see them clearly, and all I want to do is find out what’s going to happen next. Well done!Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-29428529489210607952012-05-21T09:11:26.617-06:002012-05-21T09:11:26.617-06:00I vote for you!I vote for you!Andrea Sombergnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-8163581101282365752012-05-19T12:02:46.104-06:002012-05-19T12:02:46.104-06:00Great concept! I love your opening paragraph!! Goo...Great concept! I love your opening paragraph!! Good luck!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-34078570609959326742012-05-18T17:05:19.834-06:002012-05-18T17:05:19.834-06:00I remember seeing this query somewhere before and ...I remember seeing this query somewhere before and going, "Wow, I'd check this out!" Glad you made it into TWV! Good luck!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-47787701797023875852012-05-18T14:46:32.570-06:002012-05-18T14:46:32.570-06:00Awesome concept and great writing! Good luck!Awesome concept and great writing! Good luck!April Wallhttp://aewelch.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-59975404582754743872012-05-18T14:25:50.952-06:002012-05-18T14:25:50.952-06:00OMG if Zephyr is Ash's one reason to live I wi...OMG if Zephyr is Ash's one reason to live I will die of squeeeing. <br /><br />Love the voice and cadence of your first 250! Wishing you so much luck.Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-3578230618721251132012-05-18T13:34:24.824-06:002012-05-18T13:34:24.824-06:00The revisions on your query have SERIOUSLY amped i...The revisions on your query have SERIOUSLY amped it up - it sounds amazing. And the voice in the excerpt is as killer as ever.Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-15568277141038022972012-05-18T11:43:59.697-06:002012-05-18T11:43:59.697-06:00I LOVE this. Those first few lines in the query ar...I LOVE this. Those first few lines in the query are so powerful. The writing is great too!erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-87256992491810225672012-05-18T10:17:25.361-06:002012-05-18T10:17:25.361-06:00Such a great entry--I'd be all over this in a ...Such a great entry--I'd be all over this in a heartbeat! Good luck!Dahlia Adlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265012593385220677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-19719357696736993002012-05-18T09:02:13.450-06:002012-05-18T09:02:13.450-06:00This sounds fantastic. I'd definitely pick it ...This sounds fantastic. I'd definitely pick it up! I would love to read something like this.A. Lockwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04978856161066277320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-16494846356480951342012-05-17T22:44:25.052-06:002012-05-17T22:44:25.052-06:00The changes to your query are amazing. I really g...The changes to your query are amazing. I really got a sense of Ash. <br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-7072164619880899752012-05-17T19:21:29.208-06:002012-05-17T19:21:29.208-06:00You got me with the suicidal MC - I'm so intri...You got me with the suicidal MC - I'm so intrigued! Great job!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-68252644204710305062012-05-17T18:24:13.348-06:002012-05-17T18:24:13.348-06:00I'm hooked. Totally love the idea of the suic...I'm hooked. Totally love the idea of the suicidal MC and that last line of your query gave me chills.tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9162626537117730342012-05-17T16:19:29.763-06:002012-05-17T16:19:29.763-06:00Great query - especially that first paragraph. Rea...Great query - especially that first paragraph. Really hooked me in!Carla Luna Cullenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10245197620080383172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-30849025134366940242012-05-17T15:09:51.694-06:002012-05-17T15:09:51.694-06:00The first line of that query = WOWThe first line of that query = WOWAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-73210647860549087052012-05-17T14:49:12.908-06:002012-05-17T14:49:12.908-06:00Now that's a query with a great hook! And tho...Now that's a query with a great hook! And though my penchant for science fiction means I might be a bit biased, this is one of my favorites so far! Go Team Krista!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-51928169517667391822012-05-17T13:59:21.941-06:002012-05-17T13:59:21.941-06:00I love the changes you made to the first part of y...I love the changes you made to the first part of your query! Very HOOKING! Isn't Krista great?!<br />You're one of my favorites! Good luck!Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17789434379917863100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-37329920896910071482012-05-17T13:33:42.734-06:002012-05-17T13:33:42.734-06:00This really is fascinating. I love the last line o...This really is fascinating. I love the last line of your query. Good luck.Suzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16502606950280751205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-76304011239102636862012-05-17T13:18:06.083-06:002012-05-17T13:18:06.083-06:00Oh, snap, what a premise! Your query is killer. Go...Oh, snap, what a premise! Your query is killer. Go Team Krista!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-68641301796608352502012-05-17T12:51:48.014-06:002012-05-17T12:51:48.014-06:00This concept is A-MAZing!
And the writer sure liv...This concept is A-MAZing!<br /><br />And the writer sure lives up to it.<br /><br />Good luck with this!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-986675938074472192012-05-17T12:42:57.074-06:002012-05-17T12:42:57.074-06:00Oooooh, I got chills from that query, and I can te...Oooooh, I got chills from that query, and I can tell the story is going to deliver!Becky Mahoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891727235981320025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-11864148815817696292012-05-17T11:32:56.980-06:002012-05-17T11:32:56.980-06:00I can really see the scene and picture the kind of...I can really see the scene and picture the kind of guy Ash is. Love it. Go Team Krista!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-38428433459691132282012-05-17T11:13:49.605-06:002012-05-17T11:13:49.605-06:00Wow. This is awesome. Such a great premise. You ha...Wow. This is awesome. Such a great premise. You had me at the first line of the query, and your opening is fabulous! I'm not even a huge sci-fi reader, but I'd pick this one up.Noelle Henryhttp://noellehenry.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-30341834228563635452012-05-17T10:46:11.230-06:002012-05-17T10:46:11.230-06:00Another adult science fiction! Good concept, good ...Another adult science fiction! Good concept, good luck!Alaskan Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15302796847867918294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-42261025747036502162012-05-17T09:39:03.714-06:002012-05-17T09:39:03.714-06:00This query is strong from start to finish, and I l...This query is strong from start to finish, and I love the opening page. Go #TeamKrista!Michelle Masonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00180842477967297259noreply@blogger.com