tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post2648077211935597415..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #19Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-55622576940381794222014-08-24T22:40:36.053-06:002014-08-24T22:40:36.053-06:00Query:
Sometimes it’s refreshing to read a query a...Query:<br />Sometimes it’s refreshing to read a query about a girl who doesn’t have it all together. She isn’t snarky or sassy. I like that. However, I would be interested to know, in your query why Cassidy is so socially awkward. Was she raised by awkward people? Live in a foreign country? Yes, there are awkward teens in every school, but I’d love to know a little bit more of her backstory in this query. <br /><br />I would like to know a little bit more about the best friend. Why is she qualified to set up this program? Does she ooze self-confidence even though she's off-beat? Is she popular? Why is she helping Cassidy with this? Because she's a good friend?<br /><br />Also, the only characters you mention by name in the query have very similar names. I found it very confusing and couldn’t really keep Cadee and Cassidy straight. <br /><br />That said, you set the stakes very well and Cassidy’s journey is a compelling one. <br /><br />Pages:<br /><br />Cassidy makes quite the impression in these opening pages. Poor girl. She puked because she broke up with Seth, correct? It’s almost entirely clear. :)Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-39497824158539154102014-08-24T14:31:48.509-06:002014-08-24T14:31:48.509-06:00As someone who tripped and failed through Southern...As someone who tripped and failed through Southern CA social life, I love what you having going here! <br /><br />That said, I was confused by your query on the first sentence. I'd recommend trimming it. Because there are so many awesome details to start with, by the time I read "the ideal canvas for bullies to use to perfect their art" I was slightly overloaded and wasn't able to get what you meant until I reread the line a few times. In this case, simpler might be best.<br /><br />Love the idea of a 12-Step Confidence Intervention Program and intrigued by the dynamics between Cassidy and her loyal friend. Is her loyal friend Miss Popular somehow or is she also down on the totem poll or what? <br /><br />I like the list of plot events, but they didn't really tell me what to actually anticipate and I'm confused by who Cadee is and where the bet came in. Is it a part of the program? Why did Cassidy agree? Just some points that need clarifying.<br /><br />I think you can open your pages with a stronger bam of a sentence. Put Cassidy in an active roll, not in pile of vomit that's another girl's fault. I also found the first paragraph off putting. It's hard to root for Cassidy already, because she's seemingly just broke up with a guy for superficial reasons. So let's get more into her heart and motive asap! And I'm not sure why she puked. I'm assuming she's drink, but that's probably something you don't want left for interpretation.<br /><br />That aside, I'm really compelled by this and would keep reading to see how things played out!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06620427945059851896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-73971407129197466682014-08-22T09:37:03.537-06:002014-08-22T09:37:03.537-06:00I liked your first page a lot. Poor Cassidy, and w...I liked your first page a lot. Poor Cassidy, and what a "lovely" boyfriend, he sure is a keeper :) About the query, I really liked the first paragraph, but was a little confused by the second. It feels a bit like a synopsis. It might be better to skip telling some of the troubles she gets into in the twelve step program, and to go straight to the main conflict with the bully, and the stakes. Other than that this is great, and a really cool story concept!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11944855339585180205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-33211354559111256522014-08-21T16:13:32.807-06:002014-08-21T16:13:32.807-06:00I got a very strong sense of Cassidy's charact...I got a very strong sense of Cassidy's character from this query and opening pages. I also like that your query sets up the conflict and stakes in a way that's easy to follow. And "wearing a 'loser' sign that would clash with any dress" is a great line!<br /><br />This could just be me, I was confused by the reason for the vomit in the first sentence. Is it just nerves that causes her to throw up? If I were in Cassidy's head a bit more before this opening line, I may have felt more grounded through your opening page. CherylAnne Hamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02324135447961686703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-54964959730693331152014-08-21T08:40:33.649-06:002014-08-21T08:40:33.649-06:00Poor Cassidy. Love the premise. She seems a bit im...Poor Cassidy. Love the premise. She seems a bit immature for seventeen. She sounded more like fourteen, but perhaps that's why she's a bully target .<br /><br />Your opening is confusing. A lot of characters in that small space of text. Keep it in Cassidy's POV for a few more lines.<br /><br />Consider changing Cadee's name. Cassidy-Cadee could lead to reader confusion. Laura Moehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04827474421798014522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-13293483877702118392014-08-21T07:57:23.421-06:002014-08-21T07:57:23.421-06:00Oh, poor sweet Cassidy! I think you have really l...Oh, poor sweet Cassidy! I think you have really likable main character here.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13060091637394810802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-15165587554482842862014-08-20T15:51:23.945-06:002014-08-20T15:51:23.945-06:00The list of mishaps in the query made me laugh, an...The list of mishaps in the query made me laugh, and I enjoyed the voice in the excerpt. I was a little confused at first as to who the vomit belonged to. The first sentence of the query was just a little long and I had to read it twice. Maybe trim?Rosalynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13533288555696717340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-11544703155637850302014-08-20T13:15:55.258-06:002014-08-20T13:15:55.258-06:00Your page could use work. It isn't clean.
It...Your page could use work. It isn't clean. <br /><br />It is Veronica's fault, and at first I think it is Veronica in the vomit with MC. I don't realize boyfriend is there until later. <br /><br />Love the vomit line to open, but it goes downhill from there.Mike Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31258422030476580822014-08-20T11:27:29.958-06:002014-08-20T11:27:29.958-06:00I liked your page. I'm a bit confused about th...I liked your page. I'm a bit confused about the query. Why would she let someone tell her to break up with her boyfriend, it seems like she's being passive to follow the "rules" for the 12 step confidence path, I mean unless that's your character arc, passive at the beginning and able to make her own choices later on. I'd change on of their names because Cadee and Cassidy are too much alike. I might look at chapter one if I were an agent just to see where the story is going. Good luck!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.com