tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post2137626359873254091..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #24Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-71875156973886859102013-07-30T01:43:12.749-06:002013-07-30T01:43:12.749-06:00This is a fun MG premise, but I’m having some sent...This is a fun MG premise, but I’m having some sentence-parsing problems in the middle. I get the side effect of the candies, but what exactly is their intended purpose? And the federal agents: I’m getting the impression that they’re secretly aliens, but I’m not positive. On the whole, I think I’ve got the plot, but you don’t want to make an agent work to understand the query. All it would take is some restructuring of the sentences beginning, “Candies…” and “As a frogboy…”<br /><br />I agree with kiperoo, too, that the first paragraph is a bit too explanatory. It feels a bit like I'm being told why I should want this kind of diversity, but I already know that I want it! I'm glad you're drawing my attention to something that I've asked for, but is there a way to integrate it naturally in the query? You've done it in the sample. Or even just move it to the end of the query, so that's not my very first impression of your book.<br /><br />The sample is good, though: you lay out the important elements without making it sounds like that’s what you’re doing, and Mike is easy to like.Bridget Smithnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-65008955285717250662013-07-26T11:55:18.669-06:002013-07-26T11:55:18.669-06:00I am a JACOB WONDERBAR fan, and this definitely re...I am a JACOB WONDERBAR fan, and this definitely resonates with Nathan Bransford's tone, so well done! This kind of story is right up my ally, and I really like your voice. It’s perfect for a quirky MG novel. <br /><br />Your first 250<br /><br />Great first paragraph! You revealed a lot about Mike’s character (Tweety Bird backpack—come on, mom! Haha) and I think your reveal of the bully in the 3rd paragraph is totally fine (as opposed to having it sooner). And it sounds like (with the “Except it wasn’t Brutus.”) that Mike is going to meet the alien in CH 1, so the reader is drawn in to a fun story right away. <br /><br />Great job! This sounds like a really fun story (my favorite kind!).<br />Megan Reyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05455391897018825109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-30237789593812435452013-07-24T19:23:14.379-06:002013-07-24T19:23:14.379-06:00I liked the premise but I had a hard time with the...I liked the premise but I had a hard time with the query. It was very long. The paragraphs need to be cut and combined with some of the others and keep to two paragraphs plus your information. <br /><br />With the 250 we get the action of packing his bag as fast as he can and sprinting through the school and hiding out in the woods with his chest heaving, but we need to know why earlier. You mention the bully in the query but not in the 250 until the last two sentences. <br /><br />It's good to start a ms with action but it can't be put in there just to start the ms with action. We need more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-3940031965574127892013-07-24T19:20:40.299-06:002013-07-24T19:20:40.299-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-27283509774728695262013-07-24T15:57:45.765-06:002013-07-24T15:57:45.765-06:00I really liked your first 250 words. I could feel ...I really liked your first 250 words. I could feel the MC's voice and personality.<br /><br />I'd read on!Honghttp://www.hongtran.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-86419315935559986542013-07-24T13:22:41.340-06:002013-07-24T13:22:41.340-06:00I love NASA stories (having grown up with NASA in ...I love NASA stories (having grown up with NASA in my backyard and all) and yours sounds really fun. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04285505493802519119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-69819698831419828062013-07-24T13:06:01.184-06:002013-07-24T13:06:01.184-06:00I like your query and first 250, but together find...I like your query and first 250, but together find them confusing. After reading the query, in mention of saving the colonists and meeting an alien (which doesn't feel like an unusual event from the query letter), I get the sense this is a futuristic sci-fi story. From the first 250 (which I did enjoy a lot), this reads like a present-day contemporary story. Eric Steinberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09283567940889742918noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-18191979525339924272013-07-24T13:05:06.970-06:002013-07-24T13:05:06.970-06:00I love the main part of your query SO HARD, but I ...I love the main part of your query SO HARD, but I personally wasn't a fan of the first paragraph, which seemed a bit tell-y. I'd prefer to figure out those things myself from the ms--and after looking at your first 250, I think you did a great job showing it there. Mike's character really shines through, and I feel for him already. I'd definitely read on!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com