tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post2126978690604757438..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #4Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-23694217982589804652017-04-17T20:52:16.834-06:002017-04-17T20:52:16.834-06:00T.S. Thank you so much for participating. It was g...T.S. Thank you so much for participating. It was great to see something in the YA thriller category! Per my note on entry #2, one of the first things that I check out is the word count. At 56k, I expect that your story is relatively short for this age group, or written in a very succinct style. However, your concept definitely has the capacity to be really drawn out and gripping, especially since the characters in your story have to survive on a deserted island and then escape being killed by blood thirsty mercenaries. <br /><br />Personally, I rarely connect with present tense narration. It requires such an incredibly high level of precision to describe the ongoing action without losing track of the pace and all of your characters’ actions/reactions. I didn’t mind the language throughout because I felt that it was appropriate given the circumstances, but I didn’t connect with Dylan's attempts to 'catch up' with the events throughout the entire sample because he was drugged and emotionally whiplashed by the bombing. It would be more effective for him to recall the last few days as the catastrophe mimics the current events as they unfold. I also found the chronology a bit confusing--when was the bombing and was the murder of his younger sister a separate or related incident? Because I had so many questions, it was difficult to focus on the story itself. The Agent [GP]noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-18926878206034409242017-04-13T07:19:16.173-06:002017-04-13T07:19:16.173-06:00Thank you both so much for the feedback. I truly a...Thank you both so much for the feedback. I truly appreciate the time you took to read my entry and will be working on making both my query and first pages stronger. TSLiardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-4672342752836907542017-04-12T18:52:23.270-06:002017-04-12T18:52:23.270-06:00Oooh an unlikable MC that we'll find ourselves...Oooh an unlikable MC that we'll find ourselves rooting for! When I read that Dylan has an almost uncontrollable urge to kill, I rubbed my hands and grinned. Unlikable MCs are rare, and I love those stories. Your query grabbed my attention from that first paragraph and made me want to know more. <br />I was a little confused as to what was happening in your pages before I figured out you were time jumping. I thought they were escaping the sarin attack by plane at first because when Dylan looks out the window, he sees bodies. I also thought Cynthia died as a result of it. But then you said 3 days ago and described a killer. If you could find a way to streamline the events, that would make your first pages so much easier to follow. Other than that, the visuals you use, the emotion are raw, disturbing, and powerful. Well done. Geahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10494154117037032337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-82271674940255063442017-04-12T16:46:39.055-06:002017-04-12T16:46:39.055-06:00QUERY:
Whew, you've got some incredible crede...QUERY:<br /><br />Whew, you've got some incredible credentials!! There's NO question why you're the person to write this novel. Awesome!!<br /><br />As for the pitch itself, it's incredibly engaging! I'd love to know how old Dylan is; when you mentioned a military base, I thought this was Adult, and then you talked about kids and David being 6, and was like, "Oh, maybe not." Telling me his age right off the bat is a great way to avoid confusion!<br /><br />I absolutely love survival stories, too, so this is really exciting!! The plane crash would capture my interest right off the bat. Although I want to know why we should root for a kid with homicidal tendencies. You showed he's pretty loyal to David, which makes him more sympathetic, but I'd love to see his good side in paragraph one. What makes us want to follow him for 56,000 words? <br /><br />Otherwise, SOLID query! You clearly mention stakes and goals and conflict. If you can add some more personal information about Dylan, maybe even details on HOW he plans to kill these people, you'll grab us that much faster!! <3 <br /><br />FIRST PAGES:<br /><br />The first paragraph was a little wordy, but WOW, you captured me with the second and then we were off!! Loved the details here, the glimpse into military base life. That's not something most people get to see, and it's especially rare in a YA novel. :D <br /><br />I was pretty confused about the timeline involving Cynthia when she was first introduced. When he's remembering her body, I wasn't sure if she was on the airplane with them, or if it was a memory. (Became clear it was a memory, but that wasn't immediately noticeable...) But whew, there's the sympathy I was advocating for in the query; Big Brother Dylan trying to save his baby sister from a murderer. You should lead in with THAT in the pitch paragraphs. :P<br /><br />The personalities of the kids on the plane felt very real, as did the horror of those left on the ground. I'm confused about why a military base wouldn't have enough planes for everyone; maybe mention a few ships (is the base on an island?) standing by, or sinking just off the coast? And the sarin attack seemed like it was happening NOW, but the symptoms you described on Cynthia sounded similar, and she was murdered three days ago. It confused me regarding the timeline of the attack. I think some clarifying paragraphs in the middle might help! :) <br /><br />Overall, awesome job!! This was incredibly engaging and filled with tension, and Dylan seems like a great character. Can't wait to see this one in stores! ;) Beckihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09315649277133242658noreply@blogger.com