tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post2110945185525705823..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #1Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-81086884165449660482012-09-24T10:57:00.750-06:002012-09-24T10:57:00.750-06:00I'm liking this. I think Nara has just the rig...I'm liking this. I think Nara has just the right amount of snap and sincerity to her voice. I agree it's a big long, but I have no doubt you can find a way to pair it down. One thing I might suggest is clarifying that this is a fantasy world and not a biblical one. For a moment, I thought this was Old Testament historical MG, rather than fantasy. <br /><br />Thanks!Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-22558530655149038002012-09-20T12:28:05.196-06:002012-09-20T12:28:05.196-06:00Thanks everyone for your great feedback! I know th...Thanks everyone for your great feedback! I know the query is long. I've been struggling with the length! But with two POVs I tried to inject a little bit of both characters into the query...and this takes lots of text! ACK! Will see if I can get it down. Your suggestions are all great. Thank you!Ella Schwartzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16500441132392327703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-82476683124990745662012-09-20T09:27:01.531-06:002012-09-20T09:27:01.531-06:00I agree with the others. Get the main body of your...I agree with the others. Get the main body of your query down to three paragraphs, and you could probably even take out Roman's name. The fewer names in the query the better, especially since he seems like a main character and then we find out Damian is actually one of the POVs. <br /><br />I'm also not sure about using THE MYSTERIOUS BENEDICT SOCIETY as a comp. At least from the query, I'm not seeing that, although the other one sounds in line. <br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43180947866343171002012-09-20T08:33:03.359-06:002012-09-20T08:33:03.359-06:00Lucky CP weighing in here to say that this is a gr...Lucky CP weighing in here to say that this is a great story- and coming from someone with little interest in fantasy, that's high praise! I can't wait for agents to snap this up!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-81252375809887876862012-09-20T06:39:25.306-06:002012-09-20T06:39:25.306-06:00I felt like the query was a bit too synopsis-y als...I felt like the query was a bit too synopsis-y also. Maybe too much detail.<br /><br />Love the writing! Gotta love a story that has maidens, royal guardsmen, and a dishrag metaphor on the first page.Kristen Wixtedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06270464973842125576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-79933347387761185652012-09-19T22:16:15.439-06:002012-09-19T22:16:15.439-06:00I have to agree with the others on the length. It’...I have to agree with the others on the length. It’s a little long, but I think there are ways to shorten it, such as combining paragraphs one and two. <br />When the meet, Nara and Damian are on opposite sides of the temple issue and they come together when both their mother’s get sick… It sounds almost too convenient. I’m not saying it is in the book, but in the query it sounds like Damian kind throws all his beliefs out the window. I wonder if you could give more insight into what causes him to change his mind. Does Nara tell him something that’s going to happen and it does? Does she plant the seeds of doubt in him that bloom when his mother falls ill? I just feel like I’m missing the set up. I hope that makes sense.<br />Now, I love the idea of having the former princess and the commoner at odds with each other. It really sets up the challenge of the alliance they are going to form!<br />As for your 250 words, I get a pretty clear image of Nara. She’s a firecracker… no fear. I also get a really clear idea that it is dark. And I get that it’s important, but it comes off a little repetitive. You have some great lines, like “Blackness covered her like a thick cloak, weighing her down,” and “it was as if the Gods decided it would be a good idea to cover the kingdom with a large, dirty, dishrag.” I would suggest picking the one or two that you like the best and then getting into the action… maybe have her actually enter through the palace gate and see what is happening to her former home and then weave some of the backstory in… maybe she sees a former Maiden now working as a kitchen helper… something to show us what she had and how her stupid cousin has ruined everything living it up in what she believes to be her rightful place(?).<br />Those are my thoughts. Overall, I like it. Good job and good luck!<br /><br />S.S. #20noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-1633855643958119712012-09-19T16:09:43.147-06:002012-09-19T16:09:43.147-06:00I do agree with the others that the query is a bit...I do agree with the others that the query is a bit too long, and I think condensing certain points would help. I am intrigued by your comparison that it is a PG version of the TV show 'Game of Thrones', as I love reading 'A Song of Ice and Fire'.<br /><br />As for your first 250 I'm not sure about your first line, the 'soup of darkness' just throws me. I'm not sure if this is a common sort of phrase that gets used, but to me it just sounds odd? Overall though I think you got an interesting character with Nara and her personality. <br /><br />Good luck with it. Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-44882264903578684522012-09-19T12:10:34.215-06:002012-09-19T12:10:34.215-06:00How about shortening the query a bit by editing an...How about shortening the query a bit by editing and combining the second and third paragraphs to read something like:<br /><br />By unraveling the cryptic clues the Gods send to her dreams, Nara thinks she knows how to stop the plagues. The Gods want a temple, so under Roman's command, construction begins at once. But at the construction site, Damian, a crippled commoner with a big voice and bright ideas, disagrees with Nora's vision and starts to stir the laborers to rally around himself.<br /><br />Either way I like it, good job!SMnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83426961797100468602012-09-19T11:39:44.827-06:002012-09-19T11:39:44.827-06:00I agree with the fact that the query is a bit long...I agree with the fact that the query is a bit long, but I still enjoyed reading it and was intrigued by your premise.<br />May I suggest something? If you can find a way to reduce the second paragraph down to a sentence or two that could be worked into paragraph one, it can help with the long query issue. :)Akosshttp://akossiwaketoglo.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-28644925566890463442012-09-19T11:13:42.971-06:002012-09-19T11:13:42.971-06:00I thought the query was wonderful and made me want...I thought the query was wonderful and made me want to read all about the conflict. A lot of detail with a short amount of space--great job.<br /><br />Nara has enough snark, and I like the contrast to her royal bearings. <br />The clicking shoes, darkness like a dirty dishrag, give me bits about the environment, and a lot of atmosphere. I am Very interested in reading more about Chernadova. Love this.K. L. Hallamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05672153195378644215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-7487066271916799732012-09-19T09:47:45.815-06:002012-09-19T09:47:45.815-06:00Interesting! I like the way you clearly lay out th...Interesting! I like the way you clearly lay out the conflict between the characters and the different goals that drive them. I do have a few suggestions.<br /><br />First, the query is a bit long. I think what you have in there is good, but you can cut it down--generally speaking, most queries should be only a page or less. <br /><br />Second, given that this is a fantasy world, you should spend at least two or three sentences of the query doing some worldbuilding. When I first read your query, I thought it was going to be historical fiction. You need to establish in some way how the world you've created is different from ours.<br /><br />I like the first 250 you give us, which introduces us to Nara's personality and gives us a little information. I think you could polish it a bit more-- for example, you say "three weeks" twice. Once is probably sufficient. Also, I wonder whether Nara would use the informal term "mom," even in her head, given how important her position as royalty is to her.<br /><br />Good work, and a neat story idea!B.C.noreply@blogger.com