tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post1710772908373622274..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #29Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-24431551115105736582014-08-26T08:39:37.270-06:002014-08-26T08:39:37.270-06:00Query:
The query is a little long for me. Those a ...Query:<br />The query is a little long for me. Those a long paragraphs to get through and when you read as many queries as I do, white-space helps me feel a little less nuts. <br /><br />You could especially trim that first paragraph since it’s backstory. Yes, I need to know a little bit about where Bria comes from, but most importantly, I want to know where she’s going. I love the second paragraph. It’s packed with exciting information and it’s constructed really well. It makes me want to read your sample!<br /><br />Also, word count, comp titles, comp shows, and your writing background is all important information, but could you trim these paragraphs, too? More than anything, when I read a query, I’m looking for the story information. I don’t need a resume. I can find information about you if I want to pursue things further. <br /><br />Pages:<br /><br />You mention that her dad is a shifter in the pages, but I didn’t see that in the query. I would think that’s an essential part of her character. You did mention that her family was an old supernatural family, but I’d like to know that there’s shifter blood in her upfront. <br /><br />I enjoy that she has aspirations of a grand detective agency, but when we meet her, she’s stuck in the mud, looking for a cat. It’s a great juxtaposition. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-81114964505420832362014-08-25T03:18:40.418-06:002014-08-25T03:18:40.418-06:00Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciate t...Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciate them. It has made my weekend reading over your comments and seeing how interested you are in this story. <br /><br />I know paranormal is a tough sell right now, in fact I've had agents who really liked the premise but asked me to send them my next MS because they didn't think they could sell this now (which I get because publishing is a business). But, I believe in this story and I am getting requests. Hopefully with your feedback I can make my query as strong as my opening pages are. <br /><br />Take care & good luck with your own writing!<br />P.C.P.C.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-16554959740174355492014-08-21T15:15:15.116-06:002014-08-21T15:15:15.116-06:00LOVE the voice here. I agree that the query is a b...LOVE the voice here. I agree that the query is a bit heavy, but even in the query there are hints of the compelling voice we see in the excerpt. Not an easy thing to do! I think if you prune away the excess, this will really shine. :)Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-44877253454335940502014-08-21T08:18:02.443-06:002014-08-21T08:18:02.443-06:00Lots to like here. Consider paring the novel descr...Lots to like here. Consider paring the novel description just a. Bit in the query, and changing the title. In fact, I love your line So. Much For Easy. Money. Would make. A great title.Laura Moehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04827474421798014522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-3419654225293576902014-08-21T07:47:50.919-06:002014-08-21T07:47:50.919-06:00Personally I liked the writing sample a bit more t...Personally I liked the writing sample a bit more than the query. I think it's b/c the query has several pretty long sentences that begin to feel overwhelming. But I'm very interested in the story and I love the main character already! I don't even read this kind of fiction normally, but this impressed me.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13060091637394810802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-37442472463336441042014-08-20T17:46:52.036-06:002014-08-20T17:46:52.036-06:00I agree with all of the above. Having said that, ...I agree with all of the above. Having said that, this is a book I would definitely read!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02772403925316724131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-68558304599933970622014-08-20T16:42:41.120-06:002014-08-20T16:42:41.120-06:00I love the voice and the query! I'd definitely...I love the voice and the query! I'd definitely request more, especially after the buffy comparison.<br /><br />I feel like the first paragraph of the query could be cut down a little- I like that she has a motivation for earning the money, etc, but i just think you should get it out of the way more quickly.sanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-78516767555791268782014-08-20T16:41:37.613-06:002014-08-20T16:41:37.613-06:00I love the voice and the query! I'd definitely...I love the voice and the query! I'd definitely request more, especially after the buffy comparison.<br /><br />I feel like the first paragraph of the query could be cut down a little- I like that she has a motivation for earning the money, etc, but i just think you should get it out of the way more quickly.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-35599182571837466072014-08-20T13:55:46.268-06:002014-08-20T13:55:46.268-06:00Hi PC. What a concept for a story!
A few thought...Hi PC. What a concept for a story! <br /><br />A few thoughts. You do have a good voice shining through here, but you seem to lose it in a few places. I recommend reading this out loud to yourself so you can hear it. Also, you have several pretty long sentences here that make your letter sound clunky. If you broke them up, it would read much smoother. <br /><br />For your comp titles, Veronica Mars meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer certainly draws up some interesting images, but I've been told that it's best to keep your comps current. What sold fifteen years ago will not necessarily sell today. <br /><br />Great bio!<br /><br />In the pages, nice juxtaposition of praying to a Catholic saint with using magical powers. You've got tension from the first line! <br /><br />I understand what you're doing here with the snark in your MC's voice. I write Southern fiction myself. But knowing that her mother recently died, when she thinks "cemeteries, ew," that just sends the wrong message. It just sounds callous and cold. <br /><br />Again, the voice here is good in places, but drops off in others. Try reading some good Southern fiction authors (Joshilyn Jackson is my favorite, and Whistling Past the Graveyard by Susan Crandall has excellent voice and a teenaged protagonist). Make notes of your favorite lines, and then read your book and your letter out loud to hear the difference. <br /><br />Best of luck to you!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-33648926519054494232014-08-20T12:32:13.645-06:002014-08-20T12:32:13.645-06:00I also love the voice and the comps. The query doe...I also love the voice and the comps. The query does contain a few too many characters and feels too long. There are several places you can cut words and still keep the voice amazing. I don't know if you meant to leave out the category and genre, but most agents like to see it in there even if it's a bit obvious. <br /><br />As for the pages, love it and would definitely like to read more. Kendrahttp://www.accidentalwriter.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-74409427971376894102014-08-20T12:30:15.961-06:002014-08-20T12:30:15.961-06:00The opening sentence in your query is awkward. It ...The opening sentence in your query is awkward. It doesn't reflect the quality of your writing when instead it should be you at your best.<br /><br />Grab me. That lead doesn't.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-8148142584671541282014-08-20T11:42:41.915-06:002014-08-20T11:42:41.915-06:00I would read more because the premise is interesti...I would read more because the premise is interesting. I agree that the query needs to be tightened. The pages are well done though. I'd request more because who doesn't love a Veronica Mars/Buffy mash-up? Good luck!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-34085489417455076862014-08-20T11:16:14.650-06:002014-08-20T11:16:14.650-06:00I'm interested.
I like the voice, it's sn...I'm interested.<br /><br />I like the voice, it's snarky but likable. <br /><br />I think your query could be cut down a bit - there are many characters mentioned which starts to be confusing. You've got mama, Bria, dad, old ladies, Ty, and a bokor -- a sorcerer. <br /><br />I would clean this up and only mention the two main characters and their main journey in the query. Other than this --- I am curious.<br /><br />I love that she is a somewhat clairvoyant and not a very good one - funny. I am expecting humor among the hysteria in this piece. :-)<br /> Angie Azurhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824815599991389685noreply@blogger.com