tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post1700452342693200887..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #13Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-69850906514333201602018-04-03T13:34:49.428-06:002018-04-03T13:34:49.428-06:00This is a compelling query letter! The language is...This is a compelling query letter! The language is lovely and promissory; I know this will be a lushly written fantasy from the first sentences. I like that it quickly establishes an active goal for Niele, who wants to learn to be a hero like Neva, and the potential derailment of that goal in the splintering of the spell. I'm also glad the last paragraph establishes Niele and Neva's relationship as platonic, but valuable, so I know where to set my expectations as a reader.<br /><br />I did think the letter could be pared down a bit, as some of the details are a bit redundant. For instance, the first paragraph summarizes the rest of the query, when all we really need is something like:<br /><br />"Sisterhood is more than skin and scales. In THE GUARDIAN MERMAID, a 100,000-word reimagining of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Little Mermaid", it is forged from a heartstring, tethered to a sword."<br /><br />Also, a few of the plot points felt a little too vague. Niele wants to learn to be a hero--why exactly? Are her duties as a princess to stifling and restrictive for her tastes? Does her kingdom face a threat, and she'd like to participate in its protection? (Probably not, since she gives up her kingdom to become a human hero.) And, although we get a lot about what happens before Neva trains Niele, what happens afterward is vague and broadly stated: "Word comes that Neva's betrothed went missing and Niele begins to feel a strange splintering in the spell that binds her life and heart to Neva's." What does that mean, and what does Niele fear will happen if the spell splinters? That she'll go back to her life as a mermaid? That she'll lose her sense of purpose? Lose her friend? And why is this triggered by Neva's betrothed? So I think that a few less details up front and a few more further in will really sharpen this letter.<br /><br />As for the opening scene, I also like that it's active! Niele has an immediate goal, and that's always a compelling way to begin a story. But I wanted it to be a little more related to the events of the query, or to at least evoke Niele's longing to be heroic/strong, if that makes sense.<br />THE AGENTnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-58458856826182616822018-03-31T20:35:10.251-06:002018-03-31T20:35:10.251-06:00You've got a strong query here. My only quibbl...You've got a strong query here. My only quibble is that the first paragraph feels overly long, especially since you go on to describe those plot points in more detail below. You might consider changing that third sentence to just "This 100,000-word young adult fantasy is a re-imagining of Hans Christian Andersen's 'The Little Mermaid'" and letting your summary speak for itself.<br /><br />As for your first page, it was on the quieter side, but it still drew me in. Some readers might find it a little too quiet, but as long as something happens within the next page or two, I think the pacing is fine. You have a lovely writing style that perfectly suits Niele and this story. <br /><br />Best of luck to you and THE GUARDIAN MERMAID!Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-65263265113357656852018-03-31T05:56:22.309-06:002018-03-31T05:56:22.309-06:00I was immediately intrigued by your query, in part...I was immediately intrigued by your query, in part because I love Hans Christian Andersen and I also liked your twist on the story. The word count was unexpected but when I was a young reader I would have been drawn to it for its length, so it could be an asset. Your query was also easy to understand. <br /><br />I liked the first pages but I was curious as to how the first line would play into the rest of it. I think perhaps it might be explained soon, but if not you might want to get to it sooner. M.R.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-89847557544473615462018-03-29T11:04:18.920-06:002018-03-29T11:04:18.920-06:00Query: To me, the first paragraph bogs down your q...Query: To me, the first paragraph bogs down your query. This might just be my preference, but I prefer when a query starts with the hook instead of a bunch of info. I think it's taking up valuable space in your query, and I would probably cut it. I also get a little lost toward the end regarding Neva and Niele's life being bound together. What is the problem exactly? And what will happen if the problem isn't solved?<br /><br />First pages: The first couple lines don't do anything for me. They don't seem relevant to the rest of the page. While the writing is well done, nothing is happening until the middle of the fourth paragraph. I'd like to get a better sense of the hunt sooner.Mananda9noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-48007571594176184892018-03-29T10:58:08.393-06:002018-03-29T10:58:08.393-06:00I might have fallen in love with this. And by that...I might have fallen in love with this. And by that I mean, definitely. The Little Mermaid is my favorite princess. And I've been feeling that her story needs more retellings.<br /><br />I think that your wordcount might be a bit high. I know most agents get antsy about some past 95K (I say this while mine is 98K lol). There seems to be a lot of information in the query, and not all of it is needed. I'd try to tighten it up a bit.<br /><br />Here's an example of how I'd shorten a sentence: "On her fifteenth birthday, her first time breaking surface, Niele witnesses two humans sparing with swords and her curiosity of the humans sparks--a taboo topic." The description of the Sea Witch isn't absolutely necessary in that paragraph, I believe. Maybe cut that?<br /><br />I do want to know a little bit more about Neva's betrothed and what happens to him, as I feel that is a strong point in the story's tension.<br /><br />I honestly fell in love with your excerpt! I would definitely pick this up if I read it on a shelf.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18046501906670922477noreply@blogger.com