tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post1502402051039442860..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #17Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-48180989404661864822012-08-20T11:15:52.561-06:002012-08-20T11:15:52.561-06:00Coming in late to comment on the winners -- I love...Coming in late to comment on the winners -- I love this! What a strong query and great sample pages that match with voice. I love the premise, it sounds really fun and like a problem most kids would want to have (but maybe have second thoughts on after reading). Nice work!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12628661985535693212012-08-17T08:31:03.022-06:002012-08-17T08:31:03.022-06:00The query made me laugh. I loved the first 250. I&...The query made me laugh. I loved the first 250. I'm charmed. :) For the most part I agree with the comments above about being a bit too much some places and calculating carats, but they weren't huge issues for me. I would definitely read on. :)Kate Brauninghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17359786337276060219noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-89223661943219005302012-08-17T08:28:02.262-06:002012-08-17T08:28:02.262-06:00I think this is a good premise, and the first line...I think this is a good premise, and the first line of the first page made me laugh! <br /><br />The voice in the query is strong. I do think the first line should go, because I assumed Marnie already had the money at the beginning of the second paragraph. But I love the concept of this story!<br /><br />In the first page, there are a couple of places where I think the voice is a little overdone, especially Marnie's "Whoops" and "And RICH! Holy wow…" There's a tricky balance between snarky and over-the-top with a thirteen-year-old: the voice has to feel authentic, and not as though it's gotten taken over by catchphrases and jokes. But I would definitely keep reading here, to see how the voice and story develop!The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-75209456123149708982012-08-16T20:39:38.429-06:002012-08-16T20:39:38.429-06:00I really like this. I think your query has great v...I really like this. I think your query has great voice, but you could tighten it up some--it's a bit long. The first sentence, followed by the paragraph detailing what she DOESN'T have, confused me a little bit. <br /><br />Your first 250 was solid. The blinked out made me pause for a second--should it be blinged?--BUT I really like it and love the voice of Marnie. Good work :) Nazarea Andrewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09644521286572844909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-33548126995471422662012-08-16T17:35:03.804-06:002012-08-16T17:35:03.804-06:00I've had the pleasure to read this entire manu...I've had the pleasure to read this entire manuscript and it's SO adorable and fun!<br /><br />Girls will love it. Good luck!Danahttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-65972965750776088052012-08-16T15:03:36.501-06:002012-08-16T15:03:36.501-06:00I just love it. The humor is so captivating and no...I just love it. The humor is so captivating and not forced at all. I liked the query too. I like the concept and, if the rest is anything like the first 250, this is going to be a real fun read.Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-25219314810781956162012-08-16T14:49:33.008-06:002012-08-16T14:49:33.008-06:00Thanks, Desiree! I apologize to everyone for the ...Thanks, Desiree! I apologize to everyone for the typos- i had to retype my whole submission onto my phone about five minutes before the contest opened because I was traveling and lost the wifi connection. I promise those typos aren't in my MS:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-18574081891169133222012-08-16T14:46:30.812-06:002012-08-16T14:46:30.812-06:00I really love the query and the premise but the fi...I really love the query and the premise but the first 250 don't look as polished as the query does. In the first two sentences there are two mistakes. The hyphenation is off in the last sentence of that same paragraph. A few of the following sentences could be tightened.... <br /><br />Overall, I really like the query and your character. The voice truly is stand out in both query and page. I'd read on, definitely, and I hope the agent will want to as well!<br /><br />Good luck, Author,<br />DeseraeDeserae McGlothenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09181339040825589703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-46806285877764480362012-08-16T01:57:34.112-06:002012-08-16T01:57:34.112-06:00The voice is spot on :) Loved it when I got to bet...The voice is spot on :) Loved it when I got to beta it and if possible love it even more now :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17089263022220773503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-28244543108665310842012-08-15T17:35:30.421-06:002012-08-15T17:35:30.421-06:00Love the first lines in your query and your 250 wo...Love the first lines in your query and your 250 words. You're a wizard when it comes to hooks!<br /><br />Your writing flows really well and you have an awesome voice. I'd read on :)Kristy Shenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15895893708061208660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-4577579537634801532012-08-15T13:30:35.767-06:002012-08-15T13:30:35.767-06:00Yes, typo! It should read "blinged out"...Yes, typo! It should read "blinged out". And that's what I get for trying to submit from my cell phone while touring the Ben and Jerry's Factory:) Thanks for the catch and the comments!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9397309174813452412012-08-15T13:09:58.753-06:002012-08-15T13:09:58.753-06:00Great idea. I'd cut the first line of your que...Great idea. I'd cut the first line of your query though, because then I was reading all confused about why a teenage heiress didn't have all those things. <br /><br />The zany pledge list sounds so fun, and shows you have great side characters.<br /><br />On your 1st page, great 1st paragraph.<br />I do wonder if 13 yo would be calculating carats.<br /><br />The line about Mr. Martin and Ave Lincoln's left nostril-so great.<br /><br />Good luck!Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09462486350293703991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-53464567592795197252012-08-15T13:00:34.184-06:002012-08-15T13:00:34.184-06:00Awesome premise. It reminds me of The Princess Dia...Awesome premise. It reminds me of The Princess Diaries. I also love the title. The query was clear and definitely establishes your voice, but I think it could be tightened as it does appear a bit long. <br /><br />Found a typo in the sample: Don't you mean seriously 'blinged' out. Also, the line, 'flaming out movie star-style' confused me. 'Flaming out' as in 'flamboyant'? <br /><br />Otherwise, good job! Teresahttp://thelitconnection.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com