tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post1439196984869654867..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #3Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-77868676888521589912011-06-30T13:11:59.095-06:002011-06-30T13:11:59.095-06:00The first line of the query doesn't grab the r...The first line of the query doesn't grab the reader. It's too generic with the cliche mysterious yet familiar. Maybe you could start with something like:<br /><br />When Sadie James heals in record time after [falling off the roof] she learns she has her own personal super bodyguard. His name is Rayne, a secret agent called a Keeper who’s been assigned to her since she was seven years old.<br /><br />Sadie's decided she's in love but Rayne insists its just a side effect of the Healing Water overdose he gave her. So what? It seems real to her but she fights the feeling anyway. She learns an even worse side effect when she faints for the second time that day.<br /><br />(at this point show us Sadie's active role in the story. Right now it seems like a lot of things happen TO her but she doesn't take any action of her own. What does she do about this problem? Does she do anything when she gets kidnapped? What is the consequence of Sadie's actions that you can hint to for the end?")<br /><br />Sorry once I got started I kept going with my version of the query. It could use a lot more of Sadie's voice. If she were telling a friend what happened how would she say it? (then switch the words to present tense and third person).<br /><br />Sample page: This didn't grab me. It might be a good bit for a later chapter but the first page has to reel us in, especially the first line.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03308347645723660613noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-59560226649229251092011-06-30T09:29:11.602-06:002011-06-30T09:29:11.602-06:00The query is way too long. From what I have read ...The query is way too long. From what I have read agents read quickly and they tend to skim on long queries. I also feel like you can combine the 2nd through 4th paragraphs - making them into two paragraphs. You have so many details it is hard to keep them straight. Tell about Sadie, pick one conflict, what she needs to do to fix it and if she doesn't how could it ruin her. Your query should be no longer than 350 words. Again this is my opinion, and by no means am I am expert, if that was the case I would be agented!<br /><br />Sample page: I had to keep looking back at the query, then at the sample page - I thought I was reading the wrong story. Your query doesn't even mention Voss. I have no feedback because I am honestly confused.<br /><br />Good Luck!Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15266768293318241499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-46904957133316926822011-06-29T11:55:46.355-06:002011-06-29T11:55:46.355-06:00After the first paragraph, I started skimming, whi...After the first paragraph, I started skimming, which almost always results in a rejection. You have too much detail here. Plus, I don't get a sense of who the characters are--why do we care? And other than the threat of Sadie's death due to her birthmark, it's unclear what the main conflict is. The way you've set up the romance is very common, which may be a problem with your ms rather than the query.<br /><br />Sample Page: Firstly, from your query, if you have to tell us about the several POVs, your ms isn't doing its job. Secondly, from your sample page, I stopped reading after the second paragraph. When I read something, I want to care about the main character--what is her story? Many beginning writers make the mistake of trying to make the reader sympathize or afraid of the bad guy. I've seen very few published books in which this succeeds (read The Body Finder series to see how it's done well).The Agentnoreply@blogger.com