tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post1423713065404845801..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #17Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9701939369456913812016-03-21T22:03:38.393-06:002016-03-21T22:03:38.393-06:00I was a bit confused here by the redundancy -- you...I was a bit confused here by the redundancy -- you could entirely eliminate the first paragraph, since all of that information is reiterated in the second paragraph. I'm also having a difficult time placing my finger on the stakes. If grandmother's dementia is found out, then he can't stay with her, and Justin gets sent home -- are those the core stakes of the novel? I'd revisit these two items and tweak accordingly. Brent Taylorhttp://www.twitter.com/naughtybrentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-78625694770370129362016-03-18T20:14:39.757-06:002016-03-18T20:14:39.757-06:00I really like the premise and the opening page set...I really like the premise and the opening page sets the scene well. <br />I'm really intrigued by the "keeping her memory loss a secret" and wonder if it's not just the neighbors he's trying to hide this from, but maybe also his Dad? (just trying to get an idea of the stakes) Wondering if that might be a stronger hook for the first paragraph - Justin vowed to escape living with the grandmother he didn't remember, but now he's spending all his energy on keeping her secret safe?<br />Also wondering what sort of time passes - is it weeks, months? <br />In the closing query paragraph, I'd move the MG novel up: I have been writing most of my life and many years ago published a middle grade novel (with ---publisher name) Just think that deserves higher billing than newspapers and magazine articles :-)<br />Don't know that you're looking for a comp title, but Three Bird Summer by Sara St. Antoine also has a grandmother with memory loss, but it's MG and the boy and his mother are visiting grandma for summer vacation. <br />Good Luck!!!Gayleen Rabakukkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10891876471248055723noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-89729185429226282272016-03-17T17:18:19.946-06:002016-03-17T17:18:19.946-06:00The premise and opening page of your novel are rea...The premise and opening page of your novel are really intriguing! However, I noticed there was a lot of redundant information in the query letter. Maybe delete the standalone sentences after the word count, as most of what you reveal there is covered in the next paragraph. Your credentials are impressive but I don't know if it's necessary for you to mention you participate in a critique group. Also, one thing that stuck out in your first 250 is the sort of abrupt transition from Justin's internal protest "I can't live in a shack in Red Dirt, Oklahoma..." to "I check out the other houses on the block". Maybe have him dwell on his objection longer, or show how he dislikes the situation he's in through his actions. By having him look at the other houses, it makes it sound like he's accepting the situation. <br />Good luck! C.E.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31075745827864338202016-03-16T15:03:26.873-06:002016-03-16T15:03:26.873-06:00I think the first paragraph gives us some info tha...I think the first paragraph gives us some info that's repeated in the second paragraph and the repetition broke up the flow for me. While it's all interesting and I want to read more (the sample is great!) I think focusing on the stakes and streamlining the query may be useful.<br /><br />Good luck!Jamie Beth Cohenhttp://www.jamiebethcohen.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-1483822982413537902016-03-16T11:10:49.475-06:002016-03-16T11:10:49.475-06:00The voice and clarity of your opening page is grea...The voice and clarity of your opening page is great--hard not to love a first sentence that includes "grandmother's flat butt" in it! <br /><br />I'm not sure this is as clearly communicated in the middle paragraph of the query. I might suggest breaking it up, for starters ("As he begins to bond with Margaret..." would be a good opening phrase for a new paragraph), and seeing if you can condense the beginning of the first middle paragraph ("Justin can't imagine caring about an old woman".) Even though it's all really telling, it might be a bit too much information for a query?<br /><br />Good luck!N.H.G.noreply@blogger.com